Today was one of my best friend’s birthday. Also known as my ex-boyfriend. It would be such a happy occasion, if he were here…
On August 16th, 2011 I woke up just like any other day that summer. Except this day was very different. Something just wasn’t right. It was summertime, after Junior year of high school. We had all finished 11th grade and we were waiting to have our Senior year begin & start preparing for college.
I started my day the same way, bowl of cereal, T.V, Facebook. Oh, the dreaded Facebook…
I couldn’t bare what I was reading. All I could see all over my screen was statuses, wall posts and comments with saying like RIP & You will be missed. What was going on? Was someone sick? Was there an accident? I was shaking as my fingers were scrambling across the keyboard trying to type a response. My friend had just messaged me that one of my best friends, Mike, had committed suicide. No one knew the details, or when or why. Someone had seen a post his older brother put on his wall asking “why did you do this? I love you so much man. Save a spot in heaven for me” I was horrified, that doesn’t even begin to explain how I felt. This can’t be real. I called his phone constantly, ring, no answer, but I could hear his voice on his message machine. Ahh, his voice is on the message machine. This has to be a misunderstanding. Someone got confused, posted something, and the word spread, this could not be happening. Not Mike. No.
I called Robbie, I needed someone’s help. I was overwhelmed with sadness and I was struggling to keep my mind out of the horrible, scary places it was thinking. What could have possibly happened? Robbie didn’t answer. I called my friend Sam, she would know. Mike & I met in 8th grade, we became the 3 amigos for 3 years in high school, always sitting next to each other, and always talking too much. She answered, she saw. She read all the Facebook posts and was also trying to get to the bottom of it. Sam lived in the next town over, but I didn’t care. I needed her now. I was hysterically crying in my room, my older brother could hear me & ran to my rescue, he wanted to know what was upsetting me and how could it help. He was 21 at the time, the 3rd oldest of my four older brothers. I told him, “My friend Mike committed suicide, I don’t know what happened, I just..I don’t know”. He immediately called my mom at work, we are a close knit family, nothing like this has ever happened.
Sam told me Mike was in another state visiting his family, just like he had every summer, neither of us talked to him in a couple weeks. It wasn’t on purpose, but usually in the summers we all did our own thing, I babysat, Sam swam and bowled & Mike visited his family. We got a hold of Mike’s older brother and finally found out… Mike had shot himself August 16th around 5am. A month after his 17th birthday. He would have been 19 today & it breaks my heart. Michael was an amazing kid, with so much kindness and love to share. He was the person to turn to for so many people. He loved his music and his video games. He wanted to become a video game designer. In high school, he took a class to learn just that, I was his test dummy. Mike would text me to go on AIM, and would send me a download to his newest highly-technical-but-not-hitech game he created. Imagine an early version of Snake or Pac-man. Then I’d test it out, tell him how well it worked on my computer then we would play for hours to find out who could get the highest score.
That boy was one of a kind. And I still seem him as just that. I believe that is why there is a little empty spot in my heart, it’s healed, but there is still a little spot that I think could never be replaced, because there isn’t anyone like him. Every so often I see a person who looks similar, and I need to do a double take just to be sure. My heart still breaks whenever I think of Senior year or graduation, because he was supposed to be right next to me. Alphabetical order, which is why we were always in the same classes. I think of him constantly, and I will always miss him. August 16th is fast approach yet again, 15 little days away from my birthday. Another year without him, but I still have so many memories.
On the anniversary of his passing I plan to go to the beach with a balloon with a note for him, I can only wish that it gets all the way to heaven.
I miss you & love you so much Michael. Happy Birthday♥